Mitt Romney

Dear Governor Romney:

Are you really running for president again? I think it’s great that you’re starting so early, giving yourself almost a full four years of campaigning before the election in 2012. Way to get a jump on the other guys! They’ll never see you coming — well, actually, they will, but you’ll be out so far ahead of them that it won’t matter one whit.

Will your campaign have special hats? What about red, white and blue cowboy hats that say “Saddle up for Mitt Romney!” on them? That would be great!

Sincerely,
Denise Jennings

p.s. — You’re one of my favorite Republicans.

Santa Claus

(From a Fake Fan Mail reader)

Dear Santa Claus,

Every year, I wait for your visit with great anticipation. You are always so thoughtful and generous, and you always seem to know exactly what I want and need. Last year, you brought me Bratz doll (want) and multi-pack of Bonne Bell lip gloss (need), plus lots of other cool stuff. In short, I just really love you Santa. Some of my friends don’t even believe in you anymore, but I think they are full of it.

But I’m worried. Really, really worried. My mom said you might not pay me a visit this year because my “behavior has been deplorable.” I thought that maybe if I just explain to you what has been going on, you might overlook some of the things my mom thinks are so bad.

1. About my grades. OK, the thing of it is is that Mrs. Hucks is like, really, really mean and all my other teachers are weasels. Also, my mom makes me do all kind of extra activities like violin lessons, ballet class and 4-H. My older sister says it is because she wants to live vicariously through me, and I don’t even know what that means but it can’t be good. In short, I really don’t have time to do my homework or study.

2. The shoplifting was so not my fault. Hannah made me do it. She said if I wanted to hang out with her group I had to give her a pack of Fun Dip and a WebKinz. Hannah is popular so I had to give her what she asked for. I had no money left from my allowance so it was my only choice. And anyway, I was going to pay the store back.

3. I really don’t understand why my mom freaked out so bad after I drank that peach schnapple she left on the counter. I mean, it was just schnapple (I just looked at the company’s web site and it says it is made out of the best stuff on earth). I think she just likes to hog it because she locked all the rest of it up in a cabinet!

4. First of all, the strip poker was not my idea. Plus, my mom told me I could go to that party if the parents were home, and they were (they were upstairs watching TV). And besides, I hardly even had to take off any of my clothes during the game because me and Cooper decided to go for a “walk” instead.

5. The cigarettes were menthol, and I overheard my aunt saying that those ones are better for you. And my aunt is really pretty and goes to the gym all the time so I don’t see how smoking is a bad thing.

So, as you can see Santa — my mom is being a little too hard on me. I hope you will consider coming to my house despite what she said about my behavior. I promise to leave out extra cookies for you and everything.

Sincerely,
Ashlynne

Harry Potter

(From a Fake Fan Mail reader)

Hello Harry,

It’s almost Christmas time again. I guess you would be at Hogwart’s at the moment. Which classes are your favorite? Do you stay with your Hogwart’s friends for Christmas or go to a friends family’s house I’m having Christmas lunch with my brother Jonathan and Mum, Gran, Etty and George (our dog and cat) I hope you have a great Christmas whatever you do.

Your pal, Julian

Stephen Colbert

Mr. Colbert:

First off, I apologize for not catching your Thursday evening show until the following Monday night. I suppose now I’ll have something to atone for when Rosh Hashannah and Yom Kippur roll around again, and you open up your “Oops Jew” atonement hotline.

But I heard you endorsed Barak Obama! That’s fantastic! Even if you don’t plan on voting for him — in which case, I don’t really understand the point of the endorsement — I know that you’ve rocked a lot of conservatives to their core by this pronouncement. At least, you may have ruffled the feathers of the few ulta-right wing stalwarts who haven’t yet abandoned John McCain.

I imagine that an Obama presidency would give you more to roil about on your show, so that would be good news for you. And don’t forget that job you might be able to get on the farming collective once Obama makes good on his (secret) master plan to turn the United States into a European Socialist nation, eh?

All kidding aside, I just wanted to congratulate you on finally coming to your senses. Maybe in 2012, you can get on the ballot again and give Palin a run for her money.

– Keith Greenberg

Harry Potter

(From a Fake Fan Mail reader)

Dear Harry ,
My name is Julian. I have seen all of your adventures. You were very brave when you fought the troll and your god father. Hogwarts is a cool place, I wish my brother and I could go there together to learn  magic spells.
Stay cool and safe.
your friend Julian.

Ringo Starr

Dear Mr. Ringo Starr:

I’ve been writing you fan letters for probably about twelve years now. Do you remember me? I usually write you two or three times a week, but I’ve not written you a letter in about ten days, and I know you get lots of mail, so I figured maybe you’d forgotten about me already.

I just read that you’re going to stop accepting fan letters after October 20!!! Say it isn’t so! I don’t know what I’ll do if I can’t write to you any more. You are my absolute favorite celebrity to write to — and that says a lot, because I write a lot of letters to some really famous people. Like Sandra Bernhard, Bob Dole, Jessica Simpson, Kermit the Frog and Mr. T, to name a few.

Are you sure you can’t make a fan mail exception, just for me? I’ve been knitting you a special scarf for Christmas — with a big octopus and a yellow submarine on it. I designed it just for you! It’s okay that you didn’t sign the portrait of you that I made out of Lucky Charms. I kind of like knowing that you probably still have that lying around someplace. But there’s just no way I’ll have the scarf ready to get boxed up and shipped out to arrive in time for your October 20 deadline!

Please? Won’t you consider accepting just one more box from me? Then I promise I’ll only write about once a month — twice a month, tops — after that. I just don’t know what I’ll do with myself if I can’t send you letters any more.

Your biggest fan in Kelso, WA!

Amy Bradshaw

Halle Berry

Dear Halle!

You go, girl!

I just found out that you’re helping People Magazine find the Sexiest Mom Alive, and I have to tell you…. it’s me!

I’m sending in my photo, and I just know I’ll win. I won’t tell you how old I really am, becasue I look so much younger. If you knew my real age, you’d probably just die! I can’t help it that I’m just so fit and sexy. Maybe it’s all the running around after the kids, or the way I take such loving care of my man. You know what I mean.

My oldest is already a teenager, and about to be a mother herself! She’s getting pretty big and is almost ready to pop. Otherwise, I’d enter her in the Sexiest Mom Alive contest, too. That would really be great for the two of us to be in that together, and maybe we could win as a mother-daughter team, you know? But that will probably have to wait until next year — after she’s had the baby and can lose the weight, but before she stops nursing so she’ll still have that luscious figure. You know what I’m talking about.

That’s one of the reasons I look so good! My youngest is just a baby — I know! Having babies just seems to naturally agree with me, and my cleavage is fabulous. I’m good at it, and it keeps me looking good, so I just keep making more. It really is one of God’s greatest gifts to women, don’t you think?

Anyway, I just wanted to say how fantastic I think it is that you’re a part of this — at least I think you are. I’m not sure if People will have you as one of the judges — and if you are, you just have to vote for me! If not, I still think you’re very nice and everything, but could you please pass this letter along to one of the folks who will be making the decisions? Won’t you do that for me? Thanks!

America’s next SEXIEST MOM ALIVE! Woo!

Sarah Palin

Clint Eastwood

Dear Mr. Eastwood,

I’m a huge fan! I know probably everybody says that to you — because you’re Dirty Harry and they might be afraid! (jk) — but in this case it’s really really true. I think you’re really pretty special.

Have you thought about getting into politics again? I thought it was so cool when you were the mayor of your town, how you really got involved and tried to make a serious difference. I wish more people would do that — at least, I wish more good, intelligent, sane people would do that!

I was hoping — and I know what a huge longshot this is — that you’d consider running for a position here! I live in a community that’s pretty much on the edge of collapse, and I think we could really use someone like you! It’s not any fancy job like Mayor or City Commissioner or anything, but we do have an opening on the board of directors for my community’s Home Owners Association. You’d be great!

We’re having constant back-and-forth discussions and petty arguments about repairs to our club house swimming pool, and whether the outdoor space should be fenced in during the winter for continued use instead of just closing it. I won’t tell you where I stand on the issue — wouldn’t want to unfairly sway you! — but I do think the board needs a swift kick in the pants on this from someone who knows how.

We’re also having trouble picking a new landscaping service and also with people littering and not picking up after their dogs. Who better to set things right than Dirty Harry! I know you’d do an awesome job.

Anyway, if you’d eve like to move from California up to Idaho, we sure could use your help! There are a couple of really nice houses for sale here on the HOA property, and one of them even overlooks the little stream that runs through. Just let me know if you’d like me to make an appointment for you with the realtor to see it.

Thanks! We could really use you in the HOA! I hope you’ll consider at least dropping by to take a look.

Your biggest fan, and hopeful new neighbor (!)

Alice Whidbey

Cesar Milan

Dear Cesar:

I saw you on the Bonnie Hunt show! I first want to congratulate you on having such good taste as to appear on her program. She’s a really nice lady, and I’m happy to see her now on the TV every afternoon. She’s just like a ray of warm sunshine, isn’t she?

Next, I have a serious problem. I know that you’re the “dog whisperer,” but I’m hoping you can help me with my cat. Do you work with cats? Or are you really just dog-oriented only? Lots of people have both cats and dogs, you know. I’m hoping you’re looking to diversify your talents and client list, because my kitty, Nubian, has me at my wits’ end — not to mention the upper limit on my credit cards.

Nubian doesn’t like the man I’m seeing, and is literally peeing everywhere. He’s also gotten a bad bladder infection and lots of urinary tract blockages…. Long story short, the vet did surgery last week to remove my kitty’s little penis. Yes, I paid someone to turn my boy cat into a girl. Don’t hate me. He’s home and is doing fine, but is now peeing everywhere all over again! He’s mad about my boyfriend, I just know it. And Charlie (my boyfriend) hates that cat.

So how do I get my cat to stop peeing all over the house? He even peed on me once! That was not fun. Have you ever had a cat pee on you? And how do I get Charlie to make friends with Nubian? For real, this is a huge problem, and I just don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of locking the two of them in the bathroom together for the weekend to let them sort it out. Probably would just end up being a big pissing contest, literally and figuratively.

Please help! The good news is that my dog is fine. He thinks Charlie is some kind of god — probably because he always has bacon in his pocket — but that dog never liked that cat, either. Cats are people, too!

Cesar, I’m counting on you to save my sanity, my relatonship and my carpeting. Please consider coming over to the kitty side, just this once?

– Janet King Lincoln, NE

Sarah Palin

(From a Fake Fan Mail reader)

Dear Governor Palin:

I was real excited when you were named John McCain’s pick for the VP slot on the Republican ticket.  Lord knows we need somebody with decent legs to hold up the country!  A friend of mine says he’s pretty saw you on one of those Russian sites where the girl starts out wearing glasses and has her hair up, you know, like she’s a powerful business executive, but by the last frame there’s only a low-res JPEG of what looks like she’s doing something interesting with vegetables.  Thanks to the credit crunch, my Visa is maxed out and I can’t see how it turns out.

Hopefully you and John McCain can straighten this whole credit crisis out so I can appreciate all your talents.

LeRoy Newton
Cuyahoga Fall, OH

PS:  can you give Hillary some fashion advice? She dresses like my old math teacher.