Britney Spears

(From a Fake Fan Mail reader…)

Oh, Britney, how I love and admire you. I love you more than chutney and far more than my Filipino Jitney, the one I left in a hurry when it burst into flames that fateful morning in Manila that turned my fate into concrete action, not just because that concrete corner of that inconveniently-placed corner building got in my way precisely when I was having an ex-tactic ecstatic extasy-sponsored moment while listening to your latest hit ( I swear no pun is intended! ) via my Microsoft Zune original, which is ( was, I left it there, too, ) blinged to the point that it was hard to find in the dashboard of my Britney-blinged Jitney … camouflage is such a deceiving attire. And that day I fled The Islands of The Filipino Empire for the shores of Los Angeles and to this day nobody loves you like I love you. I would rescue your children and bring them to you, if only they would let me past the gates so I could ferret them outta Federline’s compound.

spears-aloft,
Carlitos Marcos Ledesma-kuhn

Ronald McDonald

Dear Ronald McDonald:

You are the coolest clown ever. My Mom says you were around even when she was little, so you must be like a hundred years old by now. You look great for your age.

I really like Grimace and your other friends, but the Hamburgler is my favorite. I know maybe you’re not supposed to like the bad guys the best, but he is my favorite. He’s always so sneaky, trying to get at the food, but then he always gets caught, and you always make friends in the end. I think that’s great that you can hang out with the Hamburgler and still be friends.

Why is Grimace purple? Did he drink too much grape soda? I know sometime my tongue turns purple when I drink grape soda or have a grape popsicle, but not my whole body. Maybe if I drank like two whole bottles of grape soda every day for a week, I could turn purple, too? That would be cool. I bet my teacher would freak out.

What’s your favorite McDonald’s food? Do you make up all the recipes yourself? You’re a really good cook, even though I’ve never actually seen you back in the kitchen at any of the McDonald’s around here. I figure you’re kinda like Santa Claus, training helpers to take care of all of the McDonald’s all over the world, while you’re in your own kitchen coming up with all sorts of new fun stuff to put on the menu.

My favorite used to be the chicken mcnuggets Happy Meal, but then I got bigger and sometimes I can order from the adult menu, too. I really like the double cheeseburger. This one time, my friend Randy dared me to order a Filet-o-Fish, but I chickened out. I got a Big Mac instead, but I could only eat about half of it, and then I had to throw up. Randy’s Dad said I’d tried to eat too much too fast.

Did you see the movie that guy made, where he only ate at McDonald’s for a whole month? I think that sounds great! I wish I had that guy’s job. But then my sister told me that guy got really fat and sick, but I know your food isn’t bad. Just look at you. You’re like a hundred years old already, and you don’t eat anything but McDonald’s, and you’re really skinny.

I hope you get this letter, and that the Hamburgler doesn’t steal it. That guy is so funny. He cracks me up.

Your buddy,

Kenny

p.s. Your french fries are the best! Even better than Burger King, and that’s saying a lot.

Madonna

Dear Madonna,

How are you? I am fine. My name is Holly. I am 14, and I live in Nebraska. That’s a long way away from England. Do you like living there? I hear it’s very cold and wet, and that the food isn’t very good. Does that help you stay so skinny? I think you’re very pretty and hope someday I can look just like you. Maybe I can take a trip to England for summer vacation.

I think you must be a really special angel, at least for me. Whenever I’m confused about something, or don’t know what to do, I just think to myself “What would Madonna do?” And you know what, it really works! I got the idea when one day I had to get ready to go watch my cousin play in a soccer game and didn’t know which sweater to wear — the pink one with the green clovers on it, or the brown one with the funny diamonds on it. I look better in pink, but the brown one makes me look smarter, and there’s this boy on the team that I like. His name is Derek. The soccer team is called the Patrick Henry Foxes. I didn’t know if he’d like me better as really pretty or really smart. So I sat down and thought really hard. That’s when I saw a magazine on the floor opened to a page that had a picture of you, and there was a girl behind you wearing a sweater just like my brown one! I knew it was really a sign. So I pulled on the brown sweater, and guess what, Derek came over and talked to me for a whole three minutes right before the game. I timed it! I was handing out water to the players, and he took the cup right from my hand! I could tell he thought I looked really smart in my brown sweater.

I told my Mom about it, and she said that there are worse role models in the world to have than you, and she’s right. I also heard her once telling my Aunt Sally that I was conceived while the “Lucky Star” video was playing on MTV, so you must really be my lucky star! She says Derek is a nice boy and not at all like that rat fink of a father he has that ran out on his family when he got in trouble with his bookie. That must have been really hard on Derek, even though he was really little when it happened. Maybe you could be his lucky star, too? But I think he might like having a guy instead. Maybe somebody like Ashton Kutcher or Tony Robbins.

I also tried that thing where you tie a red string around your wrist, because I saw a lot of people — including you! — doing this, and I figured that I could use some spiritual enlightenment, too. Plus, I want to be more aware and involved. But I’m having trouble finding the right books to read. I want to learn all about it, but I can’t tell which is the right spelling. Is it Kabbalah? Qabala? I just don’t want to waste a whole lot of time reading the wrong thing. What book did you read? Do your kids wear red strings, too? I got some red yarn and I know there should be seven knots and it goes on my left wrist, and then I thought I’d dress it up a little and so I put some shiny beads on there, too. They’re pink and yellow. One has a little kitty face on it. I hope that won’t mess up the magic. It’s really pretty.

So I hope you’ll write me back to tell me the right book to read, and let me know if I need to try again with the red string. I think you are such an inspiration, and I just love it when you go on the Oprah show. That is like the highlight of the whole month when that happens. Oh, and I really like your singing, too. It’s so cool that you did that concert for the environment. I bet a lot of people were watching that.

I hope you are having fun in England. You can come visit Nebraska any time you want, that would be really fun. Thanks for being my lucky star.

Love,
Holly