Kevin Bacon

(From a Fake Fan Mail reader…)

Dear Kevin Bacon,

OK, I normally don’t do things like this. Writing to a celebrity just seems a little silly, after all. As if you have time to read fan mail, what with the Bacon Brothers selling out venues across the globe and all that! But I have some information that I think might interest you, so as a lifelong fan I am going to take a risk.

It seems that you and I are practically related! I’m not even kidding. Check this out:

I was born in Philadelphia, just like you! No way, huh!!?? Anyway, my parents LOVED animals so we had somewhere in the neighborhood of 36 pets in the Philadelphia home where we resided. Dogs, cats, ferrets, birds, you name it. All the neighbors would whisper when they walked by. They would say things like “That’s the gross Animal House. Ewe.” I’m sure I don’t need to tell you why this is significant, but I’ll say it anyway! You were in the movie Animal House!

Anyway, I clearly loved animals so as soon as I was old enough I decided to volunteer at the local animal shelter. Originally, I was there to help animals, but as it turns out there was another volunteer there who was REALLY cute and I had such a crush on him so I volunteered for many hours each week just so I could see him. His name was Kevin, coincidentally! Later, I found out that he had a dog named Ren. Ren was the name of your character in Footloose!!! Wow, this is all so uncanny!

Finally, after like a whole MONTH of flirting Kevin asked me out! I was so excited. On the way home from volunteering at the shelter, I dropped by a drugstore to pick up some shampoo (I had to wash my hair before my hot date!) and other stuff. The drugstore was right around the corner from the Julia Reynolds Masterman Laboratory and Demonstration School — where you attended! Anyway, while I was there shopping, I realized that your lovely wife, Kyra Sedgwick, was in a couple of commercials for shampoo and make-up. I was there BUYING shampoo and make-up. Totally. Un. Be. Lievable.

You know what all this means? You guessed it — you and I are a mere six degrees apart! Oddly, even though this happened a while ago I just realized it. I told my mom about it and she said that I MUST ask you and your family to Thanksgiving dinner at our Animal House. I promise it is really clean, despite what the neighbors say.

Please RSVP as soon as you can!

Looking forward to your reply,
Miss Julia Roberts

PS: No, I am not the famous movie actress, I just have the same name — but if I were her that would mean you and I would be just one degree of separation because the two of you were in Flatliners together? Remember?

PPS: That reminds me! I actually KNEW someone who flatlined once! Fortunately she came back to life but WOW — you and I have so may connections!!!

PPPS: I’m sure you are wondering about me and Kevin from the shelter. It didn’t work out, unfortunately. Mainly because we didn’t have the same taste in movies.

Katie Holmes

(From a Fake Fan Mail reader….)

Dear Katie Holmes,
I am SUCH a huge fan. No, really. You’re an inspiration! And I’m not talking about your acting skills either. I mean, don’t get me wrong – you have starred in some fine productions. Dawson’s Creek? My all-time fave teen drama (although The OC is a close second)! First Daughter? I have it on DVD and watch it at least once a week. And don’t get me started on Batman Begins. Why you didn’t receive a best actress nomination for that I’ll never know. Anyway, whatever. Forget all that. Your most impressive accomplishment? Marrying Tom Cruise, of course!

I mean, seriously, the man is a Legend. And you, my friend, are the one who gets to call him your Endless Love. Girl, you must have All the Right Moves. I’ve dated A Few Good Men, but none of them compare to Tom. One of them even sent me a little Magnolia tree after we broke up to try to win me back. But I really thought he was Losin’ It cuz we were soooo over.

So anyway, enough about my ex-boyfriend. I was wondering if I could ask you a few personal questions. First of all, how do you keep fit? I’ve noticed that even though you gained a TON of weight during your pregnancy, you managed to shed those pounds and now are looking really slim. Do you use The Firm video workout system?

Also, what did you and Tom do on your first date? Did he take you out for a Cocktail? Or is that against Scientology? I can’t remember. I think it would have been really cool if he had whisked you off to your home state of Ohio to ride the Top Gun Rollercoaster at Kings Island Amusement Park. I’m afraid of rollercoasters (the last time I rode one, I had to keep my Eyes Wide Shut the whole time), but I bet Tom isn’t and I bet you aren’t either.

Speaking of Scientology, is it true that Tom is an alien? I know it might be Risky Business for you to share their secrets with me. Cuz if you do, they might send you Far and Away. Nonetheless, I am pretty curious. So please spill! I would not be surprised if he is in fact an alien.

Also, what is the weather like in Southern California, where you live with Tom and baby Suri? I live in Oregon, where we have lots of Rain, Man. We also get several Days of Thunder every fall.

Were you popular back in Ohio, before you became a famous actress? That is actually a pretty silly question. Of course you were popular. Now that you are with Tom, though, I am sure you understand what it is like to be one of The Outsiders. Don’t get me wrong, I dig Tom and all, but you have to admit that the guy is pretty strange.

This next question might be borderline intrusive, but I just have to know. Is Tom really the father of your baby? I’m not going to judge you or anything. I mainly want to know because I need to clear up some rumors that are circulating. Some people say that a celebrity fertility specialist coined Tom’s desire to have a biological child Mission: Impossible. I guess he has some kind of a medical situation? Is it true? Is that why Mimi Rodgers and Nicole Kidman dumped him?

Anyway, Katie, I have to get going. Phone Booth is on The Movie Channel in, like, five minutes and I have not seen that since it was in the theater. That was sooo long ago. Plus, I loaned my Dawson’s Creek DVDs to my BFF recently I have not been able to watch Dawson for several days and I am having serious Joey Potter withdrawals.

Please write back!

Sincerely,
Jeri McGuire

PS: When is your birthday? I was Born on the Fourth of July.

Lance Armstrong

Dear Lance:

I am writing to let you know what an inspiration you have been to me and my family. The way you have faced life’s challenges head on, when so many other people would have just given up, and went on to achieve so much is a very powerful example of optimism and belief in yourself. Your story is a real triumph of the human spirit. Everyone here at my house has a LiveStrong bracelet and wears it with pride and hope.

My son, Alex, is fourteen years old, and he has decided that he wants to be a competitive cyclist, just like you! He trains very hard every day, and though he won’t be eligible for his school’s cycling team until he’s in ninth grade next year, he’s doing everything he can to learn more about bicycle racing — studying coverage of races on television, taking classes in bicycle maintenance and repair, even looking into the performance and wind-resistance of different types of clothing.

He has, however, started shaving his legs, and I’m a little concerned. He told me that this is common practice for cyclists, and that it makes his legs more aerodynamic and makes for easier clean up and treatment in case of injury. Is that true? I’ve called the coach of the high school team to ask about this, but I haven’t heard back yet. I trust my son and absolutely want to best for him, but I also want to make sure this isn’t the beginning of some unfortunate phase that would lead to a career as a chorus dancer on Broadway. I do love musicals, but Alex can’t carry a tune to save his life.

Thanks for your help! We’d all be thrilled to hear back from you, and I know Alex would really appreciate any advice you can share with a young cyclist. He’s a huge fan.

Best wishes,

Janice Marks

Lucy Liu

Hey, girl!

I read on CNN.com today that you’re sharing your beauty secrets with the world. That’s great! You really are an incredible beauty, and such a great role model to young women who fall outside the tall-skinny-blonde-blue-eyed norm.

You say that you drink a lot of water, and that you don’t ever have coffee because caffeine is bad for your skin. I’m not so sure about that last bit. I have pretty good skin, and I drink lots of coffee! How can you not drink coffee? You’re really missing out!

Amy, my roommate, thinks caffeine is an addictive drug and keeps trying to get me to go into rehab. But she eats only organic pears and makes her own shoes, so I think she doesn’t really know what she’s talking about. Last week, there was a story on the news about how this man left his baby in the car all day while he was at work, because he’d forgotten to drop the baby off at day care, and the baby died. It was really sad. I was really mad and couldn’t understand how a parent could forget about his own baby. Amy said it was probably because he was hopped up on caffeine. I wanted to strangle her.

(She does take caffeine, btw. She gives herself coffee enemas! I mean, eww!)

I see that you use Dr. Bronner’s soap on your hair. I thought that sounded familiar so I checked the shower. Sure enough, that’s that crazy soap that Amy uses, with all of the religious quotes printed on the bottle. She says that it’s all-natural and doesn’t harm the earth. Amy also recycles like some kind of green earth groupie; I think she’s secretly in love with Al Gore. I might try some of that soap tomorrow morning, though I have to tell you that Amy’s boyfriend also uses it as a spermicide. I’m not sure I want that in my hair!

Thanks for all of your make-up tips and product recommendations. I don’t really look anything like you, but I think you’re really pretty and maybe by following some of your advice, I can really shine, too! I’ll start drinking more water today, and maybe cut down on my coffee. Amy tried to switch my roasted Guatemala Antigua for some free trade decaf crap from Trader Joe’s last week. I was mad at first, but to be honest I didn’t really notice until the caffeine headaches kicked in. Those were killer! Still, I’ll give this a try, for you.

Your fan and friend,

Beth Parnell