Jared Fogle

(From a Fake Fan Mail reader…)

Dear Jared,

I used to be your biggest fan. So big that I had to use two scales to weigh myself. Then I heard your inspiring story and realized that I, too, could should those pounds. I immediately started the Subway Diet. I’ve only been on it for four years so far, but I have definitely made a lifelong commitment to the Subway lifestyle.

Unfortunately, I have not been feeling so well lately and I’m hoping you can help me out. You see, I’m fatigued all the time. Also, I’ve been diagnosed with rickets, skurvy and pellegra. My skin is super dry, and it seems I always have a cold. Not only that, the Red Cross people won’t allow me donate blood anymore!

I’m not sure what is going on. My doctor says my illness stems from severe nutritional deficiencies, but I don’t agree because the Subway Diet is extremely healthy and balanced. He even told me he might admit me to the hospital for IV feeding. I fear he might even try to get me to eat breakfast. Please help me, Jared!

In desperation,
Anonymous

Senator Larry Craig

Dear Senator Craig,

My name is Caitlin. I am in Mrs. Thomas’s fourth grade class at Bronson Elementary School. For social studies, my teacher said we had to write a letter to someone in the government. I know you are in the news a lot lately, so I picked you to write my letter to.

You are a Senator from Idaho. I do not live in Idaho. I live in California. But my grandma and grandpa live in Idaho, and they were at my house for a visit last week. I heard them talking about you. My grandpa says it is nobodys business what a man does in a bathroom, and that he likes what you did for the NRA. He has lots of guns at his house and likes to go out and shoot stuff, like deer and empty cans. My grandma says you are a good family man and that you are welcome at her dining room table any time. I thought you might like to know that.

They were also talking about whether or not you are gay. I don’t get what the big deal is. My math teacher is gay, and so are some of my neighbors. My best friend, Roger, has two mothers and another kid in my class, Madison, has two Dads. Maybe everyone just needs to chill out and say a mantra or something.

I think it must be very hard to work in Washington, but very interesting, too. You get to meet people from all over the world and try to make things better for people. Is it fun when you get to vote on bills and things? Do you have assigned seats in the Senate and get to put your name on the desk? We have assigned seats in the classroom, and the top of the desk opens up so I can put my books and stuff inside.

I know you are not my senator, but my family talks about you a lot, so we are thinking of you here. I know you are working really hard, because you sure are on television and in the newspaper a lot.

Your friend in California,

Caitlin

p.s. If you are gay, do you know Tinky Winky?

Carl’s Jr.

(From a Fake Fan Mail reader…)

Dear Carl’s Jr.,

Your thought-provoking ad campaign is destined to save the lives of many hungry members of the male species. I salute you.

Just the other day, I walked into my local Super Grocery Mart’s frozen food section. There on the floor was my neighbor, a single guy by the name of Mike. Mike was curled up in the fetal position, rocking. I was about to call 911, and then it dawned on me. Mike didn’t need an ambulance. He needed a Six Dollar Burger. I picked him up, threw him over my shoulder (he was as light as feather, on account of his inability to prepare food for himself), carried him out to my car and rushed him to the nearest Carl’s Jr. drive-through. He perked up the moment that soggy bun and greasy slab of meat touched his lips. It was a close call.

Thank you. Without your very important public service announcements, I would never have known that “without (you) some guys would starve” and Mike might not be with us today.

With sincere gratitude,
Ms. Patty Meltington