Stephen Colbert

Dear Mr. President:

Hooray! I’m so glad you’ve decided to run for higher office, even if you’re not running for God. It’s almost enough to convince me to move to South Carolina and register as both a Democrat and a Republican (even though I’m a Libertarian in principle).

Are you really from South Carolina? You don’t have much of an accent. Will you have to get an accent before you start campaigning, and eat a lot of shrimp and grits on camera? I tried making shrimp and grits once, after having them at my college roommate’s wedding, but they weren’t very good — probably because I was using pre-cooked cocktail shrimp stirred into some instant grits I made in the microwave, with some margarine and tabasco sauce. But the dog liked it okay.

If you get elected, will you publish a Presidential cookbook? I sure would like to know how to make authentic fried green tomatoes, and those shrimp and grits.

I’m going out right now to the store to buy your book, to help support your campaign. Go, Stephen! I really really hope you win.

– Marianne Cooper

p.s. — Please do consider running for God in the future. I’d love to see Ann Coulter have to worship you.