Santa Claus

(From a Fake Fan Mail reader)

Dear Santa Claus,

Every year, I wait for your visit with great anticipation. You are always so thoughtful and generous, and you always seem to know exactly what I want and need. Last year, you brought me Bratz doll (want) and multi-pack of Bonne Bell lip gloss (need), plus lots of other cool stuff. In short, I just really love you Santa. Some of my friends don’t even believe in you anymore, but I think they are full of it.

But I’m worried. Really, really worried. My mom said you might not pay me a visit this year because my “behavior has been deplorable.” I thought that maybe if I just explain to you what has been going on, you might overlook some of the things my mom thinks are so bad.

1. About my grades. OK, the thing of it is is that Mrs. Hucks is like, really, really mean and all my other teachers are weasels. Also, my mom makes me do all kind of extra activities like violin lessons, ballet class and 4-H. My older sister says it is because she wants to live vicariously through me, and I don’t even know what that means but it can’t be good. In short, I really don’t have time to do my homework or study.

2. The shoplifting was so not my fault. Hannah made me do it. She said if I wanted to hang out with her group I had to give her a pack of Fun Dip and a WebKinz. Hannah is popular so I had to give her what she asked for. I had no money left from my allowance so it was my only choice. And anyway, I was going to pay the store back.

3. I really don’t understand why my mom freaked out so bad after I drank that peach schnapple she left on the counter. I mean, it was just schnapple (I just looked at the company’s web site and it says it is made out of the best stuff on earth). I think she just likes to hog it because she locked all the rest of it up in a cabinet!

4. First of all, the strip poker was not my idea. Plus, my mom told me I could go to that party if the parents were home, and they were (they were upstairs watching TV). And besides, I hardly even had to take off any of my clothes during the game because me and Cooper decided to go for a “walk” instead.

5. The cigarettes were menthol, and I overheard my aunt saying that those ones are better for you. And my aunt is really pretty and goes to the gym all the time so I don’t see how smoking is a bad thing.

So, as you can see Santa — my mom is being a little too hard on me. I hope you will consider coming to my house despite what she said about my behavior. I promise to leave out extra cookies for you and everything.

Sincerely,
Ashlynne