Al Gore

Vice President Gore:

Please don’t run for president. I’m confused enough as it is with all of these other candidates in the field.

Gerald Risener

p.s. : Congrats on the Nobel Prize.

Lucy Liu

Hey, girl!

I read on CNN.com today that you’re sharing your beauty secrets with the world. That’s great! You really are an incredible beauty, and such a great role model to young women who fall outside the tall-skinny-blonde-blue-eyed norm.

You say that you drink a lot of water, and that you don’t ever have coffee because caffeine is bad for your skin. I’m not so sure about that last bit. I have pretty good skin, and I drink lots of coffee! How can you not drink coffee? You’re really missing out!

Amy, my roommate, thinks caffeine is an addictive drug and keeps trying to get me to go into rehab. But she eats only organic pears and makes her own shoes, so I think she doesn’t really know what she’s talking about. Last week, there was a story on the news about how this man left his baby in the car all day while he was at work, because he’d forgotten to drop the baby off at day care, and the baby died. It was really sad. I was really mad and couldn’t understand how a parent could forget about his own baby. Amy said it was probably because he was hopped up on caffeine. I wanted to strangle her.

(She does take caffeine, btw. She gives herself coffee enemas! I mean, eww!)

I see that you use Dr. Bronner’s soap on your hair. I thought that sounded familiar so I checked the shower. Sure enough, that’s that crazy soap that Amy uses, with all of the religious quotes printed on the bottle. She says that it’s all-natural and doesn’t harm the earth. Amy also recycles like some kind of green earth groupie; I think she’s secretly in love with Al Gore. I might try some of that soap tomorrow morning, though I have to tell you that Amy’s boyfriend also uses it as a spermicide. I’m not sure I want that in my hair!

Thanks for all of your make-up tips and product recommendations. I don’t really look anything like you, but I think you’re really pretty and maybe by following some of your advice, I can really shine, too! I’ll start drinking more water today, and maybe cut down on my coffee. Amy tried to switch my roasted Guatemala Antigua for some free trade decaf crap from Trader Joe’s last week. I was mad at first, but to be honest I didn’t really notice until the caffeine headaches kicked in. Those were killer! Still, I’ll give this a try, for you.

Your fan and friend,

Beth Parnell