Ann Coulter

Dear Ann:

I’m hoping you can help me. I’m very concerned about my teenage daughter and don’t know how to reach her.

She’s been listening to music that I just don’t understand. I mean, it’s supposed to be in English, but I just don’t understand the slang these days. I’m troubled by the very many negative messages to which our young people are so often exposed today, but my daughter — Katie — thinks I’m just an old fogie who can’t get hip.

You also know about the problems we’re having with the way kids are dressing these days, always trying to look like their hedonistic celebrity idols. I was doing the laundry yesterday and found a pair of red lace panties in Katie’s laundry basket. When I asked her about them — I’d certainly never bought her such a thing! — she got all sarcastic, saying that they were Satan’s panties and that she’d be happy to get me a pair, too, if it would just help me loosen up and have some real fun for once.

Ann, please help my daughter understand that this is no laughing matter. I don’t know what to do about this. She is sinning by degrees, each instance worse than the last. My precious Katie losing her immortal soul through her choice of undergarments would simply be more than I could take.

Bless you,

Maryanne Bateman

Stephen Colbert

Dear Mr. President:

Hooray! I’m so glad you’ve decided to run for higher office, even if you’re not running for God. It’s almost enough to convince me to move to South Carolina and register as both a Democrat and a Republican (even though I’m a Libertarian in principle).

Are you really from South Carolina? You don’t have much of an accent. Will you have to get an accent before you start campaigning, and eat a lot of shrimp and grits on camera? I tried making shrimp and grits once, after having them at my college roommate’s wedding, but they weren’t very good — probably because I was using pre-cooked cocktail shrimp stirred into some instant grits I made in the microwave, with some margarine and tabasco sauce. But the dog liked it okay.

If you get elected, will you publish a Presidential cookbook? I sure would like to know how to make authentic fried green tomatoes, and those shrimp and grits.

I’m going out right now to the store to buy your book, to help support your campaign. Go, Stephen! I really really hope you win.

– Marianne Cooper

p.s. — Please do consider running for God in the future. I’d love to see Ann Coulter have to worship you.