Jared Fogle

(From a Fake Fan Mail reader…)

Dear Jared,

I used to be your biggest fan. So big that I had to use two scales to weigh myself. Then I heard your inspiring story and realized that I, too, could should those pounds. I immediately started the Subway Diet. I’ve only been on it for four years so far, but I have definitely made a lifelong commitment to the Subway lifestyle.

Unfortunately, I have not been feeling so well lately and I’m hoping you can help me out. You see, I’m fatigued all the time. Also, I’ve been diagnosed with rickets, skurvy and pellegra. My skin is super dry, and it seems I always have a cold. Not only that, the Red Cross people won’t allow me donate blood anymore!

I’m not sure what is going on. My doctor says my illness stems from severe nutritional deficiencies, but I don’t agree because the Subway Diet is extremely healthy and balanced. He even told me he might admit me to the hospital for IV feeding. I fear he might even try to get me to eat breakfast. Please help me, Jared!

In desperation,
Anonymous