Kevin Bacon

(From a Fake Fan Mail reader…)

Dear Kevin Bacon,

OK, I normally don’t do things like this. Writing to a celebrity just seems a little silly, after all. As if you have time to read fan mail, what with the Bacon Brothers selling out venues across the globe and all that! But I have some information that I think might interest you, so as a lifelong fan I am going to take a risk.

It seems that you and I are practically related! I’m not even kidding. Check this out:

I was born in Philadelphia, just like you! No way, huh!!?? Anyway, my parents LOVED animals so we had somewhere in the neighborhood of 36 pets in the Philadelphia home where we resided. Dogs, cats, ferrets, birds, you name it. All the neighbors would whisper when they walked by. They would say things like “That’s the gross Animal House. Ewe.” I’m sure I don’t need to tell you why this is significant, but I’ll say it anyway! You were in the movie Animal House!

Anyway, I clearly loved animals so as soon as I was old enough I decided to volunteer at the local animal shelter. Originally, I was there to help animals, but as it turns out there was another volunteer there who was REALLY cute and I had such a crush on him so I volunteered for many hours each week just so I could see him. His name was Kevin, coincidentally! Later, I found out that he had a dog named Ren. Ren was the name of your character in Footloose!!! Wow, this is all so uncanny!

Finally, after like a whole MONTH of flirting Kevin asked me out! I was so excited. On the way home from volunteering at the shelter, I dropped by a drugstore to pick up some shampoo (I had to wash my hair before my hot date!) and other stuff. The drugstore was right around the corner from the Julia Reynolds Masterman Laboratory and Demonstration School — where you attended! Anyway, while I was there shopping, I realized that your lovely wife, Kyra Sedgwick, was in a couple of commercials for shampoo and make-up. I was there BUYING shampoo and make-up. Totally. Un. Be. Lievable.

You know what all this means? You guessed it — you and I are a mere six degrees apart! Oddly, even though this happened a while ago I just realized it. I told my mom about it and she said that I MUST ask you and your family to Thanksgiving dinner at our Animal House. I promise it is really clean, despite what the neighbors say.

Please RSVP as soon as you can!

Looking forward to your reply,
Miss Julia Roberts

PS: No, I am not the famous movie actress, I just have the same name — but if I were her that would mean you and I would be just one degree of separation because the two of you were in Flatliners together? Remember?

PPS: That reminds me! I actually KNEW someone who flatlined once! Fortunately she came back to life but WOW — you and I have so may connections!!!

PPPS: I’m sure you are wondering about me and Kevin from the shelter. It didn’t work out, unfortunately. Mainly because we didn’t have the same taste in movies.