Katie Holmes

(From a Fake Fan Mail reader….)

Dear Katie Holmes,
I am SUCH a huge fan. No, really. You’re an inspiration! And I’m not talking about your acting skills either. I mean, don’t get me wrong – you have starred in some fine productions. Dawson’s Creek? My all-time fave teen drama (although The OC is a close second)! First Daughter? I have it on DVD and watch it at least once a week. And don’t get me started on Batman Begins. Why you didn’t receive a best actress nomination for that I’ll never know. Anyway, whatever. Forget all that. Your most impressive accomplishment? Marrying Tom Cruise, of course!

I mean, seriously, the man is a Legend. And you, my friend, are the one who gets to call him your Endless Love. Girl, you must have All the Right Moves. I’ve dated A Few Good Men, but none of them compare to Tom. One of them even sent me a little Magnolia tree after we broke up to try to win me back. But I really thought he was Losin’ It cuz we were soooo over.

So anyway, enough about my ex-boyfriend. I was wondering if I could ask you a few personal questions. First of all, how do you keep fit? I’ve noticed that even though you gained a TON of weight during your pregnancy, you managed to shed those pounds and now are looking really slim. Do you use The Firm video workout system?

Also, what did you and Tom do on your first date? Did he take you out for a Cocktail? Or is that against Scientology? I can’t remember. I think it would have been really cool if he had whisked you off to your home state of Ohio to ride the Top Gun Rollercoaster at Kings Island Amusement Park. I’m afraid of rollercoasters (the last time I rode one, I had to keep my Eyes Wide Shut the whole time), but I bet Tom isn’t and I bet you aren’t either.

Speaking of Scientology, is it true that Tom is an alien? I know it might be Risky Business for you to share their secrets with me. Cuz if you do, they might send you Far and Away. Nonetheless, I am pretty curious. So please spill! I would not be surprised if he is in fact an alien.

Also, what is the weather like in Southern California, where you live with Tom and baby Suri? I live in Oregon, where we have lots of Rain, Man. We also get several Days of Thunder every fall.

Were you popular back in Ohio, before you became a famous actress? That is actually a pretty silly question. Of course you were popular. Now that you are with Tom, though, I am sure you understand what it is like to be one of The Outsiders. Don’t get me wrong, I dig Tom and all, but you have to admit that the guy is pretty strange.

This next question might be borderline intrusive, but I just have to know. Is Tom really the father of your baby? I’m not going to judge you or anything. I mainly want to know because I need to clear up some rumors that are circulating. Some people say that a celebrity fertility specialist coined Tom’s desire to have a biological child Mission: Impossible. I guess he has some kind of a medical situation? Is it true? Is that why Mimi Rodgers and Nicole Kidman dumped him?

Anyway, Katie, I have to get going. Phone Booth is on The Movie Channel in, like, five minutes and I have not seen that since it was in the theater. That was sooo long ago. Plus, I loaned my Dawson’s Creek DVDs to my BFF recently I have not been able to watch Dawson for several days and I am having serious Joey Potter withdrawals.

Please write back!

Sincerely,
Jeri McGuire

PS: When is your birthday? I was Born on the Fourth of July.