Madonna

Dear Madonna,

How are you? I am fine. My name is Holly. I am 14, and I live in Nebraska. That’s a long way away from England. Do you like living there? I hear it’s very cold and wet, and that the food isn’t very good. Does that help you stay so skinny? I think you’re very pretty and hope someday I can look just like you. Maybe I can take a trip to England for summer vacation.

I think you must be a really special angel, at least for me. Whenever I’m confused about something, or don’t know what to do, I just think to myself “What would Madonna do?” And you know what, it really works! I got the idea when one day I had to get ready to go watch my cousin play in a soccer game and didn’t know which sweater to wear — the pink one with the green clovers on it, or the brown one with the funny diamonds on it. I look better in pink, but the brown one makes me look smarter, and there’s this boy on the team that I like. His name is Derek. The soccer team is called the Patrick Henry Foxes. I didn’t know if he’d like me better as really pretty or really smart. So I sat down and thought really hard. That’s when I saw a magazine on the floor opened to a page that had a picture of you, and there was a girl behind you wearing a sweater just like my brown one! I knew it was really a sign. So I pulled on the brown sweater, and guess what, Derek came over and talked to me for a whole three minutes right before the game. I timed it! I was handing out water to the players, and he took the cup right from my hand! I could tell he thought I looked really smart in my brown sweater.

I told my Mom about it, and she said that there are worse role models in the world to have than you, and she’s right. I also heard her once telling my Aunt Sally that I was conceived while the “Lucky Star” video was playing on MTV, so you must really be my lucky star! She says Derek is a nice boy and not at all like that rat fink of a father he has that ran out on his family when he got in trouble with his bookie. That must have been really hard on Derek, even though he was really little when it happened. Maybe you could be his lucky star, too? But I think he might like having a guy instead. Maybe somebody like Ashton Kutcher or Tony Robbins.

I also tried that thing where you tie a red string around your wrist, because I saw a lot of people — including you! — doing this, and I figured that I could use some spiritual enlightenment, too. Plus, I want to be more aware and involved. But I’m having trouble finding the right books to read. I want to learn all about it, but I can’t tell which is the right spelling. Is it Kabbalah? Qabala? I just don’t want to waste a whole lot of time reading the wrong thing. What book did you read? Do your kids wear red strings, too? I got some red yarn and I know there should be seven knots and it goes on my left wrist, and then I thought I’d dress it up a little and so I put some shiny beads on there, too. They’re pink and yellow. One has a little kitty face on it. I hope that won’t mess up the magic. It’s really pretty.

So I hope you’ll write me back to tell me the right book to read, and let me know if I need to try again with the red string. I think you are such an inspiration, and I just love it when you go on the Oprah show. That is like the highlight of the whole month when that happens. Oh, and I really like your singing, too. It’s so cool that you did that concert for the environment. I bet a lot of people were watching that.

I hope you are having fun in England. You can come visit Nebraska any time you want, that would be really fun. Thanks for being my lucky star.

Love,
Holly