Stephen Colbert

Mr. Colbert:

First off, I apologize for not catching your Thursday evening show until the following Monday night. I suppose now I’ll have something to atone for when Rosh Hashannah and Yom Kippur roll around again, and you open up your “Oops Jew” atonement hotline.

But I heard you endorsed Barak Obama! That’s fantastic! Even if you don’t plan on voting for him — in which case, I don’t really understand the point of the endorsement — I know that you’ve rocked a lot of conservatives to their core by this pronouncement. At least, you may have ruffled the feathers of the few ulta-right wing stalwarts who haven’t yet abandoned John McCain.

I imagine that an Obama presidency would give you more to roil about on your show, so that would be good news for you. And don’t forget that job you might be able to get on the farming collective once Obama makes good on his (secret) master plan to turn the United States into a European Socialist nation, eh?

All kidding aside, I just wanted to congratulate you on finally coming to your senses. Maybe in 2012, you can get on the ballot again and give Palin a run for her money.

– Keith Greenberg

Halle Berry

Dear Halle!

You go, girl!

I just found out that you’re helping People Magazine find the Sexiest Mom Alive, and I have to tell you…. it’s me!

I’m sending in my photo, and I just know I’ll win. I won’t tell you how old I really am, becasue I look so much younger. If you knew my real age, you’d probably just die! I can’t help it that I’m just so fit and sexy. Maybe it’s all the running around after the kids, or the way I take such loving care of my man. You know what I mean.

My oldest is already a teenager, and about to be a mother herself! She’s getting pretty big and is almost ready to pop. Otherwise, I’d enter her in the Sexiest Mom Alive contest, too. That would really be great for the two of us to be in that together, and maybe we could win as a mother-daughter team, you know? But that will probably have to wait until next year — after she’s had the baby and can lose the weight, but before she stops nursing so she’ll still have that luscious figure. You know what I’m talking about.

That’s one of the reasons I look so good! My youngest is just a baby — I know! Having babies just seems to naturally agree with me, and my cleavage is fabulous. I’m good at it, and it keeps me looking good, so I just keep making more. It really is one of God’s greatest gifts to women, don’t you think?

Anyway, I just wanted to say how fantastic I think it is that you’re a part of this — at least I think you are. I’m not sure if People will have you as one of the judges — and if you are, you just have to vote for me! If not, I still think you’re very nice and everything, but could you please pass this letter along to one of the folks who will be making the decisions? Won’t you do that for me? Thanks!

America’s next SEXIEST MOM ALIVE! Woo!

Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin

(From a Fake Fan Mail reader)

Dear Governor Palin:

I was real excited when you were named John McCain’s pick for the VP slot on the Republican ticket.  Lord knows we need somebody with decent legs to hold up the country!  A friend of mine says he’s pretty saw you on one of those Russian sites where the girl starts out wearing glasses and has her hair up, you know, like she’s a powerful business executive, but by the last frame there’s only a low-res JPEG of what looks like she’s doing something interesting with vegetables.  Thanks to the credit crunch, my Visa is maxed out and I can’t see how it turns out.

Hopefully you and John McCain can straighten this whole credit crisis out so I can appreciate all your talents.

LeRoy Newton
Cuyahoga Fall, OH

PS:  can you give Hillary some fashion advice? She dresses like my old math teacher.