Stephen Colbert

Mr. Colbert:

First off, I apologize for not catching your Thursday evening show until the following Monday night. I suppose now I’ll have something to atone for when Rosh Hashannah and Yom Kippur roll around again, and you open up your “Oops Jew” atonement hotline.

But I heard you endorsed Barak Obama! That’s fantastic! Even if you don’t plan on voting for him — in which case, I don’t really understand the point of the endorsement — I know that you’ve rocked a lot of conservatives to their core by this pronouncement. At least, you may have ruffled the feathers of the few ulta-right wing stalwarts who haven’t yet abandoned John McCain.

I imagine that an Obama presidency would give you more to roil about on your show, so that would be good news for you. And don’t forget that job you might be able to get on the farming collective once Obama makes good on his (secret) master plan to turn the United States into a European Socialist nation, eh?

All kidding aside, I just wanted to congratulate you on finally coming to your senses. Maybe in 2012, you can get on the ballot again and give Palin a run for her money.

– Keith Greenberg

Stephen Colbert

Dear Candidate Colbert:

I’ve just read that you’re now filing only as a Democrat and not also as a Republican, in your entry to the field of presidential hopefuls in the South Carolina primary. While I understand the significantly steeper financial burden of the Republican filing can be off-putting, I hope you will reconsider.

Think of all us poor Republicans who will have to change party affiliation, just so we can support you in this all-important primary! Such a mass exodus from the GOP faithful into the arms of the Democrats — Demoncrats, really, whether it’s Halloween or not — could permanently alter the course of politics in the South. I don’t think South Carolina could survive the sudden influx of “spontaneously liberal” voters.

You just need to find some additional Republican supporters with deep pockets. Look around. We’re not hard to find.

Please, Mr. Colbert, I’m begging you. Don’t make me register as a Democrat!

Very truly yours (and always a staunch conservative at heart),

Miles Breckenridge

Stephen Colbert

Dear Mr. President:

Hooray! I’m so glad you’ve decided to run for higher office, even if you’re not running for God. It’s almost enough to convince me to move to South Carolina and register as both a Democrat and a Republican (even though I’m a Libertarian in principle).

Are you really from South Carolina? You don’t have much of an accent. Will you have to get an accent before you start campaigning, and eat a lot of shrimp and grits on camera? I tried making shrimp and grits once, after having them at my college roommate’s wedding, but they weren’t very good — probably because I was using pre-cooked cocktail shrimp stirred into some instant grits I made in the microwave, with some margarine and tabasco sauce. But the dog liked it okay.

If you get elected, will you publish a Presidential cookbook? I sure would like to know how to make authentic fried green tomatoes, and those shrimp and grits.

I’m going out right now to the store to buy your book, to help support your campaign. Go, Stephen! I really really hope you win.

– Marianne Cooper

p.s. — Please do consider running for God in the future. I’d love to see Ann Coulter have to worship you.

Stephen Colbert

Dear Stephen:

Where’s my WristStrong bracelet? I bought your $%#&! book, fully expecting one of these silicone wristbands to be included. No such luck. Or is there some kind of hidden compartment in the book, where the WristStrong bracelet is hiding?

WTF? Maybe I should boycott actually reading your book, even though I already paid for it, until I get my WristStrong bracelet. I know it wasn’t advertised as coming with one, but think about how cool I’d look sitting at the coffee shop, reading your book and wearing that red bracelet. It’s surefire marketing. So what gives?

– Nelson Borton

Stephen Colbert

Dear Mr. Colbert:

You rock! Your WristStrong bracelet has really changed my life. Sadly, I am the most famous person I know, so I’ve not been able to pass it along.

Are you really as smart as you seem, or do you take your orders through a brain implant from a bunch of guys in a closet via radio transmitter, just like President Bush? Where can I get my own implant? I need help on the LSAT.

Your friend and fan,

Chris