J.K. Rowling

Dear Ms. Rowling:

I applaud you for “outing” your Harry Potter character, Dumbledore. Admittedly, I’ve not read any of the Harry Potter books — they’re never in when I go looking for them at the library — even though I know plenty of other adults read them just as much as the kids do. Your series is obviously immensely popular with younger generations. I think that Dumbledore’s sexuality will go a long way in terms of promoting both magical and gay rights in this country.

My husband was a bit upset when he first heard about this, but then our daughter — now a sophomore at Davidson, where she’s taking a class on the Harry Potter stories — was home to do laundry last weekend and started talking with him about the larger societal impact of the Harry Potter themes and how these books are a reflection of many of the frightening and confusing choices facing young people in today’s increasingly uncertain world, and something about how ultimately your books will end up shaping domestic and foreign policy in the years to come…. That part was a bit over my head, plus I missed a large part of that discussion because the dog had yakked up pieces of dead squirrel in the living room and I had to go clean it up.

The Harry Potter series may be “over,” but your characters’ wisdom and lessons will live on forever.

Thank you,

Sandra Barnard

p.s. — What does J.K. stand for? I know I should know this (and my daughter will think I’m a total dweeb for asking), but I don’t.

p.p.s. — Do you know Tinky Winky? I heard that he’s (it’s?) gay, too. What do you think about that?

Senator Larry Craig

Dear Senator Craig,

My name is Caitlin. I am in Mrs. Thomas’s fourth grade class at Bronson Elementary School. For social studies, my teacher said we had to write a letter to someone in the government. I know you are in the news a lot lately, so I picked you to write my letter to.

You are a Senator from Idaho. I do not live in Idaho. I live in California. But my grandma and grandpa live in Idaho, and they were at my house for a visit last week. I heard them talking about you. My grandpa says it is nobodys business what a man does in a bathroom, and that he likes what you did for the NRA. He has lots of guns at his house and likes to go out and shoot stuff, like deer and empty cans. My grandma says you are a good family man and that you are welcome at her dining room table any time. I thought you might like to know that.

They were also talking about whether or not you are gay. I don’t get what the big deal is. My math teacher is gay, and so are some of my neighbors. My best friend, Roger, has two mothers and another kid in my class, Madison, has two Dads. Maybe everyone just needs to chill out and say a mantra or something.

I think it must be very hard to work in Washington, but very interesting, too. You get to meet people from all over the world and try to make things better for people. Is it fun when you get to vote on bills and things? Do you have assigned seats in the Senate and get to put your name on the desk? We have assigned seats in the classroom, and the top of the desk opens up so I can put my books and stuff inside.

I know you are not my senator, but my family talks about you a lot, so we are thinking of you here. I know you are working really hard, because you sure are on television and in the newspaper a lot.

Your friend in California,

Caitlin

p.s. If you are gay, do you know Tinky Winky?

Tinky Winky

Dear Tinky Winky:

You were my daughter’s favorite Teletubby when she was little (about 10 years ago). She always looked forward to seeing your show, and insisted on dressing up as you for Halloween for two years in a row!

Lately, she’s been having some problems. Just the other day, she got high from sniffing glue and stole her social studies teacher’s car. When the cops caught up with her, she told them the Giant Baby Sun Face made her do it. I said to her, “Abby (her name is Abigail), you know that Tinky Winky and the Teletubby friends would never recommend that you commit such a crime.” Then she spit on the floor. I said to her, “Why don’t you tell me what’s really going on?”

That’s when she started screaming Giant Baby Sun Face! Giant Baby Sun Face! They had to come in and restrain and sedate her, and place her in a solitary holding cell. She’s now in a juvenille detention center, where she’ll be until she turns 16.

Personally, I blame sex education in the classroom for my daughter’s fall from grace. I just wanted to let you know that I do not hold you or the other Teletubbies personally responsible. I figure you’ve already got enough to deal with, with you being gay and everything.

No hard feelings,

Peg Pauley

Jerry Falwell

Dear Rev. Jerry Falwell:

Are you in heaven now? Did you meet God? Is Tinky Winky really gay?

Sarah